


laughable irony

by seren0n



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Coming Out, Feel-good, Gen, Referenced Medical Experimentation, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, i want to be clear here literally everyone is trans, this is big trans content right here, tits do end up out but thats as far as we go, we're nothing but good vibes in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 10:31:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12604584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seren0n/pseuds/seren0n
Summary: Medic grafts himself a third nipple, and showing it off cascades into everybody showing off.Featuring the relief you feel when you're both coming out as the same thing, flexing, and tits out for big friendship!





	laughable irony

**Author's Note:**

> hey folks i'm new to these old men, i wrote this as a warmup/joke to myself and then it cheered me up too much to stop so please please enjoy it with me!!!

So, perhaps, just maybe, grafting a third nipple onto himself wasn’t the best thing he’d ever done with his valuable time. It certainly wasn’t anything out of his league, he hadn’t even tried to add in mammary glands under it, but Medic had to admit it _was_ pretty funny. The real test now would be seeing how it stood up to wear and tear, and if it ended up faring better than his other two, he just might have to reattach them with the method. Truly, the wonders of modern medicine.

The small clock he’d asked Engineer to install was better than nothing, but when you get carried away so thoroughly that a full hour can go by in what feels like a handful of minutes, it’s only so helpful. At least he didn’t completely miss dinner this time. He almost burst into the kitchen, triumphantly smiling to himself and glancing at the stove. If it smelled that good, it was sure to be all eaten by now, but no matter.

A deep grunt across from Medic made him turn on his heel. Heavy was holding two dishes, with the left already half-eaten. “Thought Doktor would miss food again. Saved plate.”

Medic blinked, but relaxed with a smile and took the uneaten dish from Heavy. “ _Danke, mein freund_. I’ve been so carried away lately, what would I do without you?”

“Die, maybe.” Heavy and Medic both laughed jovially, though it was probably good that no one else did. “Is good to see you out of lab, doktor.”

“ _Ja_ , the air is better here, but I just finished my latest grafting project and I can’t let my materials expire.”

“What is project?”

Medic grinned widely, his discomforting one, he knows. “Ah! Well, you see, I had a personal score to settle, so I grafted this ape nipple to my upper abdomen.” He even unbuttons his shirt to show Heavy, though the Russian seemed put off just by the thought of an ape nipple.

“Uh… Good for doktor. Good… work.” He trails off, focusing on something higher up on Medic’s torso instead and reaching a hand to point. “What is this?”

Medic has to follow Heavy’s finger, but he realizes quickly. Damn things, he’d just about forgotten them. “Ah… ha, _ja_ , well, eh… Let’s just say it’s part of what I’m testing. Those are old scars now though, nothing to worry about!”

“Is…” Heavy’s eyebrows scrunch together in thought, inspecting Medic’s pec scars a bit more than he’d like anyone to inspect anything on his chest, but Heavy switches into Russian suddenly to ask something. Something just a bit on the nose for polite company.

Medic keeps his coat open, though he tightens his grip and rubs his boot heel into the floor. “... _Да_. ”

He expects many things as a response from Heavy, but the very last one is loud laughter. Loud enough it must interrupt whatever Soldier was going on about at the table, and long too. Heavy nearly drops his poor dish, he shakes so much. He does finally manage some stumbling english, and Medic can’t believe his ears.  

“Hahaha! Doktor… oh, haha, doktor too?! Did… ha…” He pauses, but just to wipe his eyes. “Did not know…ha, so lucky to have you as doktor… haha!”

“Me… me too? What… Misha, _you_ too?!”

“Yes! Same as doktor!”

Medic finds himself too stunned to even close his coat now, though his nipples are quite cold. And… and then he’s laughing right with Heavy, hugging the massive bear of a Russian and only just having the self-consciousness to put down his absolutely cold and forgotten food along with Heavy’s. “ _Mein Gott_ Misha… And I didn’t even know!?”

“Hah, doktor was busy with inside. Is what matters.” Medic hasn’t seen Heavy smile that emotionally since… well, maybe never come to think of it.

“And what’re you loudmouths gabbin’ about back there?”

Ah, yes. The kitchen. They’re having this incredibly emotional bonding experience of kinship in the middle of the group kitchen with four other men in the room, who very hopefully have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s not the best situation Medic’s ever been in.

“Laughable irony, _Herr_ Soldier, nothing unpatriotic I hope.”

Soldier just grins, which is a good sign. “Laughable irony’s what this great nation was built on, doc! Carry on, soldier, just quit interrupting my inspiring speech.”

“Yes.” Heavy is still grinning, but he’s keeping it relaxed now. Which is a good idea to follow, considering Medic’s history of unintentionally devious smiles. Maybe he can finally close his coat now.

“ _Woah_ that’s a big ass mole doc, can’t’cha get rid’a those easy???”

Hm. Apparently not. He has the annoyance to glance up at Scout with a tired look. “This… is not a mole.”

“Wh-- Pimple! _Yo_ that’s a big fuckin’ pimple, you sure y’don’t wanna _do_ somethin--”

“It is a third nipple.”

“Y--... Huh?”

“It is a third nipple, Scout, that I grafted onto myself not an hour ago.”

“Y’ can just _add nipples_ to anybody now? Holy shit, th’ hell kinda’ science is _that_?” Scout’s tone says repulsed, but then he leans closer, pushing his folding chair onto its back legs in his interest. “Think y’can put one right on Spy’s ass?”

“I most certainly cannot, as I think he would put a knife in my brainstem before I can even start the procedure.”

“C’mon man, I gotta get him _somehow_. Why’dya need’a third nipple anyway, first two not cuttin’ it for ya’?” He snickers, how very Scout of him.

“ _Ja_ , as it so happens. Why, having trouble with yours?”

“What, no, my entire chest is trouble, nipples got nuthin’ to do with it.”

“I almost wasn’t aware you had much chest to speak of.”

“Oh yeah?”

“ _Ja_.”

“Ohohoho, you’ve really done it now buddy, oh man, here we go, oh man this is gonna knock ya’ right outta the friggin’ _water_ \--”

“Yes, you have properly ‘hyped’ me Scout, what are you going to do.”

“Ohhhhh you’re askin’ for this, oh man oh man, aright, aright I got this, we’re doin’ this for real. Okay okay, watch _this_.”

Medic just watches with exasperation as Scout sheds his strange shirt with its sleeves that manage to not be sleeves at the same time, and… he has them too. Medic can’t believe his _eyes_ now, what was next?

“Beat _that_ sucker!”

Heavy snorts. “Was weak baby flex.”

“Oh yeah? Oh yeah oh yeah? Well you listen here buddy, I’ve been flexin’ since the day I was _born_ , what were _you_ doing then?”

“Being born.”

“... Huh. Well--”

Medic jumps in, though he really does try to be discreet. “Scout!”

“ _What_?!”

“ _You_ have them too!”

“I have wha-- Oh, y’talkin’ ‘bout-- wait hang on-- whadda’ya mean me _too_?!”

Medic has never been more excited to compare chests with a coworker in his entire career. “Look look! These are mine! My, yours were done with steady hands, I had to do these by--”

“Doktor, please. Just ate.”

“Ah apologies _mein freund_ , it’s simply _fascinating_ \--”

“Wait so you’re tellin’ me that _you’re_ \--”

“ _Ja ja_ , and Heavy too! I can hardly believe I never _noticed_!” Medic realizes, they’re both almost yelling.

“Even I can’t believe that!”

“Either’a y’all up fer explainin’ what’cher so excited over comparin’ then? Care to share with the rest’a the classes?” Engineer is the one to interrupt, though he doesn’t seem all that on edge. In contrast, Soldier just next to him is carefully scrutinizing the three of them, for treason no doubt. Sniper is at least subtle about his staring, though he might’ve been doing so the entire time.

“Oh. Uh.” Scout coughs so horribly that Medic almost wonders if he finally dislodged a lung. “We was just uh…”

“Is battlescars.”

Both Medic and Scout look at Heavy with some surprise, but he glances at them both and shrugs. It isn’t that far from the truth, Medic supposes, but Engie doesn’t seem convinced.

“Professionally made battlescars? S’a new one.” And then he smiles. “Think I can beat’cha both if we’re comparin’ chests though, if y’all can gimme a minute.”

Scout leaps at the opportunity and starts flexing wildly, but Medic has to suspect for just a moment. It’s quite a wild suspicion, the chances are already incredibly slim to entertain and _certainly_ well beyond anything he would ever consider normally, but--

Then it happens that the suspicion is correct, in a bit of a different way.

Engineer has to take off a binder. And has… well, mammary glands.

“Well?”

Four trans men in one room, more than Medic has ever met knowingly in his life.

And then Sniper laughs, unbuttons his vest, shucks a shirt, and… another binder.

Five. Five trans men, all in one room.

Scout’s eyeballs look ready to pop out from his skull, Heavy’s not faring much better, and then Soldier speaks up.

“The two of you aren’t even showing any scars! Shameful, here’s how it’s _really_ done! Oo-rah!”

Medic is more than prepared to write him off as the only cis man in the ro-- _and then he has the scars too and the count is six trans men all in one room, together_. He’s breaking his own self-imposed record immediately after making it, twice.

Soldier only catches on to the real subject when Medic encourages him to compare the similarities with his own, and then the six of them are just staring at each other, and then themselves, and then each other again.

Sniper finally laughs, like a dingo. Or at least, what Medic presumes a dingo sounds like. “Well, bugger me, and ‘ere I’d been thinkin’ maybe I was the only bloke with tits around.”

And Engineer laughs with him, his own relief mirroring the atmosphere. “S’almost too good, ain’t it?”

The utter absurdity of the situation doesn’t even fully reach Medic until Demoman stumbles in, drunk as usual, sees them all with their shirts off and, somehow, decides to join in. And then the count is at seven.

Seven trans men. All on the same team. Living together for months, with no idea. It seemed a bit on the mean side as far as jokes went, Medic had to admit, but he was busy laughing so hard that it didn’t even matter to him.

He couldn’t imagine how Spy would feel if the man had chanced walking in on this.

**Author's Note:**

> so basically everyone in the entire team is trans including spy and pyro, and miss pauling's trans and the admin's trans and everyone's trans theyre all trans They Are All Trans theyre also all gay and autistic and nothing and no one can stop me! ha!
> 
> anyway i'm hopefully gonna write more shit like this, but if i dont i'll definitely be drawing it on my [tumblr!!](http://proxima--centauri.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> "hey dude thats a big mole"  
> "its not a mole"  
> "pIMPLE! dude thats such a big pimple oh my"  
> "its a third nipple"  
> "what"  
> "its a third nipple, p u s s y"


End file.
